We’re finally done with this paper.
Is this the end? I’m hoping not. But as I see, you want it to be.
I’m sorry I fell for you faster than I could’ve controlled. Longer than I could’ve taken. Deeper than I could’ve fathomed.
This is it.
I never really thought you’d do it. Are you just drunk enough to like and kiss me? Or did you drink enough to have the courage to kiss me?
As of writing, I realized, you’re just drunk enough to do stupid things.
And I was stupid enough to believe you’d like me too.
I’m saying goodbye to you, K.
The first time we had lunch together and alone at that. I enjoyed your company. I enjoyed knowing you more. And you were more than what I thought of you. You are amazing.
Hope it doesn’t just end up with that one lunch. I want to have lunch with you the more days that I could.
I think I’m in love, with you. Please send me a sign if you are too, with me.
“Matulog ka na?” you said.
I just nodded to indicate that I am. You were perplexed at my answer not knowing why I changed mood that fast.
Then out of nowhere, you uttered,
“Goodnight na, baby!” Smiling awkwardly as you turned the lights off.
I got up and went to you.
You’ll never know how much deeper I fall for you every day.
You said you were so tired from a practice. I told you to rest first before talking to me. We talked about work and the both of us were really tired that day so we decided to cap the night off. You said goodnight, I said it back.
This was the first time we’ve said goodnight to each other. It might not mean anything to you but for me, it meant the world.
Maybe they don’t know, maybe they just don’t remember.
Maybe they are quite busy, maybe you’re not their priority.
Maybe they’re planning something big, a surprise
Maybe it’s too late before they realize.
Each year there comes that specific day in everyone’s life where they should feel special and celebrated – when they have to feel the importance of their existence. Birthday. However, each year that this day comes, I feel depressed, lonely, alone – with no one and nothing to celebrate. II hate my birthday as much as I love it. I love it because I have great parents and family who support me in every undertaking in life, they never faltered in pushing me gently to come face my limits. I hate it because there are those people who you expect to at least know that it is the day, your special day but still forget it. Well, I already am an adult and it looks so immature for me to rant about this but sometimes it kind of feels great to be important, even just once a year.
But it’s great that this year I decided to be the lowkey-est that I have ever been. Never mentioning my birthday to anyone and those who really knew it by heart, of course greeted me. My brothers, parents, aunts, some friends way back from high school took their time to message me or call me even if they are busy and I really appreciate their efforts.
It’s just a little bit bizarre that no one from my university classmates and friends even know that today was my special day, it kind of stings though.
Anyhow, I’m 19 – young but capable of handling these petty emotions that I am feeling right now. I can do this, I must do this even though it means I do it alone.
August 20, 2016
I reposted this piece because I think it wasn’t given much attention the first time it was posted. I hope you’ll like it.
“I WAS WRONG, REAL WRONG”
Up until now, you still haunt me, you are still in me. Cold, lifeless – that’s how you treat me now. You’re there, but now a ghost. The memories still haunt me, and I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking what happened to us, how did it happen to us.
It wasn’t always that clear why we met, why that chain message I sent you started what we had, the unlabeled something that somehow mattered to me. Why you also replied although it was clearly a ploy that amounted to nothing. Maybe I wanted you, err, I noticed you since that day in the pool – you looked at me like we knew each other, like you want me, like I was yours and you mine. I think it’s funny that you’ve admitted that it was the day you started noticing me too, isn’t it? But now all we had was gone, I can ask no more.
Maybe it already ended before it even started. Maybe it is really doomed to end from the very start. I guess destiny and fate are just great being the best and worst bitches that we can ever have.
August 17, 2016
We were there, we were quite there, but it’s more than that.
I can’t quite look at you when we go out with friends to drinking sessions, and when we sing at Karaoke night, singing the songs we sang each other before. I can’t even quite imagine how we ended up this way, trying to just glance at each other, with talking eyes – screaming to please end this agony. I think we had this silent agreement to just let everything that happened between the two of us as private as we could, letting no one, not any person (even the closest to us) know because we know that it can destroy not only the two of us but a lot of people in the process. I think we will just continue to traverse this path – hurting each other just to protect the people we love.
It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t even close to complicated at all. It was more than that.
But know that you are loved, being loved, and I will always love you – no matter what.
In response to Complicated. August 15, 2016.