I wasn’t even diagnosed, but I knew.
People weren’t even aware, but I felt.
It’s so hard to feel something that you can’t even explain to yourself. That feeling of emptiness, hollowness, that hole in you that nothing and no one can ever fill. I was all like this in the very beginning, even when I am not yet aware that this is even happening to me. I thought it was all like a normal thing to feel, it’s just normal to all people until I discovered I was different, I was unique, they tell me it’s ugly too. I have this tendency to feel inferior to every single thing that I do, I feel like I was not enough to those things that I cared for, I can sense that someone is always better or something is always more worthy of someone’s attention than me. I don’t have the right to claim everything that I want, I have to work hard to get it. However, sometimes, too much effort was given and then, still, no one appreciates. You’re still second place, or third, or fourth, or nothing at all. I think I am not worth of a single attention in the world, because I was just me, nothing, just no one, a very unimportant person, someone who could die and the world could still revolve, even more smoothly. I don’t know. Maybe I just need sleep. Or coffee. All I know at this very moment is that I kind of hate the people around me.
In the end, no one will ever understand. No matter what.