It has been more than a year since the first time I got obsessed to you, to everything that is you. I was enchanted by your smirk, the little smile you make that no one can decipher the real meaning, whether you’re joking or just simply being weirdly cute. Your wits, your jokes, everything that is you. I can’t even fathom how I survived one whole year without you, your presence, your everything. And now, here we are again, back to where we started, however, it was different. We are now friends, and it can never be more than that now.
I was obsessed to you, your breath, your eyes, your soul, your mind, and to everything that is you.
Some may say you were never mine. I might agree.
You may say you never really cared. I might agree too.
It’s never really clear what has been going on between the two of us before we started tearing each other apart. We never really talked about what happened in the past, we just pretend it did not ever happen. We shrug it out of our conscious being but I know it bothers me, I hope I still bother you too. The history between the two of us is just too eventful to forget that easily, I can pretend, but I may never really forget you. The way you made me feel when we are “together”, the way your words slide through my consciousness as honey to the skin, I will never forget anything, not a thing at all.
Maybe time will come and I will not know your name anymore, maybe.
Maybe we will become “just” friends and not feel for each other anymore, maybe.
Just when I thought I already moved on, ready to be friends once more…and I realized I am writing here again.
To the one I never had, but I always keep.
How about closure? Do we need that?
Do we need to close something we weren’t even sure was open?
Yes, even after a long time, you still come across my thoughts. I still come to think about you, about us, about the things that we could have become, we could have done. I never expected that we would forever be trapped in this cell, I thought that ignoring you would be the best way I could do, the best way to forget you. But how silly the universe is, right? It clearly made a giant move to let our paths cross again, or say, our paths be one again. I’m kind of excited with the fact that we could be together again, but I never really expected that we could be this close yet so far. The universe is really cruel, I’m not sure if I am the only one who feels this, I’m kind of hoping that you feel what I am feeling too, exhilarated to see you but can never ever hold nor touch you. The universe is funny, it made a joke, and it was on us, or just me.
I wasn’t even diagnosed, but I knew.
People weren’t even aware, but I felt.
It’s so hard to feel something that you can’t even explain to yourself. That feeling of emptiness, hollowness, that hole in you that nothing and no one can ever fill. I was all like this in the very beginning, even when I am not yet aware that this is even happening to me. I thought it was all like a normal thing to feel, it’s just normal to all people until I discovered I was different, I was unique, they tell me it’s ugly too. I have this tendency to feel inferior to every single thing that I do, I feel like I was not enough to those things that I cared for, I can sense that someone is always better or something is always more worthy of someone’s attention than me. I don’t have the right to claim everything that I want, I have to work hard to get it. However, sometimes, too much effort was given and then, still, no one appreciates. You’re still second place, or third, or fourth, or nothing at all. I think I am not worth of a single attention in the world, because I was just me, nothing, just no one, a very unimportant person, someone who could die and the world could still revolve, even more smoothly. I don’t know. Maybe I just need sleep. Or coffee. All I know at this very moment is that I kind of hate the people around me.
In the end, no one will ever understand. No matter what.
I thought that losing you is equivalent to losing myself. I was wrong, real wrong.
I thought that you were my life, that without you, it would be harder to breathe, harder to see, harder to feel, and definitely harder to love. I was wrong, real wrong.
I thought you were everything to me, my sun, my moon, my light, my air, my water, my everything. I was wrong, real wrong.
The day I decided to let you go was the day I started to realize who I really was, am, and will be. That me was never with you. That me was never for you. That me was always me, not you. That same day I decided to let go of my feelings was the day I started loving myself. Now here I am, stronger than before. Even stronger without you.
Happy and free, less of you.
Thank you for leaving me.
I hope this time I’m right because I was tired of whispering to myself again and again for a lot of times that “I was wrong, real wrong.”
I know that I am the one who should be blamed as to whatever happened to whatever it is that was between us, if that ‘us’ really existed. Yes, I clearly know that for a fact, but then upon realizing that it was wrong and I have made a mistake for treating you the way I did, I then tried to be a lot nicer, better, all because I love you and I really need you. But I didn’t expect that you’ll drift away this fast, it hurt me a lot. It ripped my heart out, it really hurts. You knew that a few days ago, I tried, tried really hard to win you back, steal your heart, be mine. However, I also realized that I have no one to win back, no one to steal a heart from, no one to be mine again, all because you were never mine. I tried communicating again, to ignite a fire to whatever is left in there, just to bring back everything that once was, well I guess, I was just not enough. I guess you thought that you’ve learned your lesson, that lesson is that loving me will just hurt you, I know I did hurt you but here I am now asking for forgiveness and ready to love you more than you thought anyone could have done. But you’re gone. GONE.
I’m still in the process of moving on, moving on to something I’m not even sure existed.
I think I am finally trying to move one, step by step. I think it’s just the most appropriate thing to do.
Was it a waste?
Was everything just nothing for you?
I guess so.
It hurts, but bye.
If you ever come across this (which I know you wouldn’t), I just wanted to let you know that I still give a damn about you, about what you are doing, that I am still affected with everything. I just hate myself for letting you break me from inside.
I just plainly hate myself for ever trusting your sweet forever.
Forever does not exist, at least for us. For me.
I texted you because I wished to have a conversation with you. A conversation which would last overnight until the morning, that kind of conversation is what I wished for. I texted you because I want to know if you still care, and I want you to know that I still do.
I did abandon my pride, for you, just for you.
But what did I get?
Disappointment? More than that.
Maybe I just wished too far, dreamed too much that I thought that things will still be the same with us, I never know that you’ve already moved on from our ‘nothingness’.
And I really can’t believe I am actually writing this, I don’t know why, I just knew that it would help me. I don’t know how.
I don’t have any idea.
And I never really thought that I’d lose you.